Domestic violence: how to recognize it and where to get help
Abuse isn’t only hitting. Control, threats, isolation and financial abuse are domestic violence too. Here’s how to recognize it and where to turn, 24/7.
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior one partner uses to gain power and control over the other. It includes physical and sexual violence, but also threats, intimidation, isolation, constant monitoring and control of money. About one in four women worldwide experiences physical or sexual violence from a partner in her lifetime. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) offers free, confidential help 24/7.
- Abuse is about power and control, not anger or “bad communication.”
- Emotional, financial and digital abuse are forms of domestic violence too.
- Leaving is often the most dangerous time — a safety plan made with an advocate helps.
Domestic violence — also called intimate partner violence — isn’t a fight that got out of hand. It’s a pattern in which one partner uses fear, control and sometimes force to dominate the other.
How common it is
A global analysis for the World Health Organization found that about one in four women who have had a partner has experienced physical or sexual violence from that partner at some point in her life 1. Men can be victims too, and abuse happens in all kinds of couples — married or dating, straight or LGBTQ+, rich or poor.
Not only physical
Abuse can take many forms:
- Physical: pushing, slapping, choking, restraining, hurting the kids or pets.
- Emotional: humiliation, constant criticism, threats, gaslighting.
- Coercive control: checking your phone, tracking your location, deciding who you can see.
- Financial: taking your paycheck, hiding money, running up debt in your name, keeping you from working.
- Sexual: pressure or force, refusing to use protection.
- Digital: spyware, demanding passwords, threatening to share private images.
Sociologist Paige Sweet found that abusers often exploit social stereotypes and a victim’s vulnerabilities — like mental health history or immigration status — to make her seem unreliable 2.
Warning signs to take seriously
- You feel afraid of your partner or “walk on eggshells.”
- Your partner’s jealousy is constant and controlling.
- You’ve been cut off from friends and family.
- Your partner has threatened to hurt you, your children, themselves or a pet.
- Violence is getting more frequent or severe, or there has been choking.
Choking, access to a gun and escalating threats are signs of serious danger.
Where to get help
- Emergency: call 911.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. Free, confidential, 24/7. Advocates help with safety planning, shelters and legal options.
- Protective orders are available in every state. A local domestic violence program can help you apply.
- If you’re worried about a friend: listen without judgment, believe them and share the hotline number. Pressure to leave right away can backfire.
Why leaving is hard
People stay for many reasons: fear, money, children, love, hope that things will change, threats. The period around leaving can be the most dangerous, which is why a safety plan made with an advocate is so important. It’s never your fault, and you don’t have to figure this out alone.
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Frequently asked questions
He’s never hit me. Can it still be abuse?
Yes. Constant criticism, threats, controlling money, tracking your phone, cutting you off from friends and family — these are forms of abuse, even without physical violence.
Is couples therapy a good idea when there is abuse?
Generally no. Couples therapy can put the person being abused at risk. Specialized individual support and programs for people who use violence are safer options.
Sources
- Sardinha, L., Maheu-Giroux, M., Stöckl, H., Meyer, S. R., & García-Moreno, C. (2022). Global, regional, and national prevalence estimates of physical or sexual, or both, intimate partner violence against women in 2018. The Lancet, 399(10327), 803–813. doi:10.1016/S0140-6736(21)02664-7
- Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875. doi:10.1177/0003122419874843
Evidence-based · Human-centered · Practical — how we write and fact-check our articles.
This article is for educational purposes and does not replace advice from a licensed professional. We cite original research and update articles when new evidence appears. Spotted an error? Let us know — see our editorial policy.
If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). Veterans: dial 988, then press 1.
