How to praise your child the right way

“You’re so smart!” It feels like the most natural thing to say to a child who just aced a spelling test. But research suggests it may not have the effect we hope for.

The famous experiments

Claudia Mueller and Carol Dweck ran a series of experiments with fifth graders 1. Children solved a set of puzzles and were praised either for their intelligence (“You must be smart at this”) or for their effort (“You must have worked hard”).

Then came a set of much harder puzzles. Children praised for intelligence:

• were more likely to choose easy tasks afterward to keep looking smart;
• enjoyed the task less and gave up sooner after failing;
• performed worse on a final set of problems;
• were more likely to misrepresent their scores.

Children praised for effort sought out challenges and bounced back from failure. This research became a foundation for the idea of a growth mindset.

When praise is too much

Eddie Brummelman, Sander Thomaes and colleagues tested inflated praise — “That’s not just beautiful, that’s incredibly beautiful!” 2. For children with low self-esteem, inflated praise made them avoid challenges afterward, perhaps because they felt they had to live up to an impossible standard. Children with high self-esteem, by contrast, sought out challenges after the same praise.

How to praise well

• Be specific: “You used three different colors for the sky.”
• Praise the process: effort, strategy, persistence, improvement.
• Be sincere, not over the top.
• Describe what you see and let your child evaluate their own work: “Tell me about your drawing.”
• Praise kindness and character: “You noticed your friend was sad and sat with her.”
• Avoid comparisons: “Better than your brother” teaches competition, not growth.

What to say after a failure

“That was a tough one. What could you try next time?” helps kids see setbacks as part of learning, not proof that they’re “not good at it.”