Staying connected during deployment: how often to talk and what to say
Calls, video chats, messages, care packages. Research shows communication during deployment matters for service members — and that the quality of the relationship shapes its effect.
Staying in touch during deployment can support both the service member and the family at home. Research on deployed soldiers found that the link between communication and PTSD symptoms depended on the quality of the marriage: in satisfying relationships, more frequent contact was linked to fewer symptoms. Aim for regular, realistic contact, share everyday life, and save big conflicts for when you can talk properly.
- Regular contact helps — especially when the relationship is supportive.
- The quality of conversations matters more than how often they happen.
- Deployment affects the whole family’s communication, before and after.
The phone buzzes at 3 a.m. — a short video call from the other side of the world. Then nothing for five days. Communication during deployment can feel both like a lifeline and a source of stress. Here’s what research shows.
What research shows
Sarah Carter and colleagues studied US soldiers deployed to Iraq and their communication with their spouses 1. The relationship between how often couples communicated and soldiers’ PTSD symptoms depended on the quality of the marriage. In more satisfying marriages, more frequent communication went along with fewer PTSD symptoms. Contact helps most when it brings support, not conflict.
Rachel Dekel and Candice Monson showed that military trauma affects the whole family — intimacy, communication and parenting 2. Building good communication habits during deployment helps after homecoming too.
Practical tips
- Agree on expectations. How often can you realistically talk? What happens if you don’t hear from each other for a while?
- Mix formats: calls, short videos, voice messages, emails, letters and care packages.
- Share everyday life. Photos of the kids’ art, what the dog did, what you made for dinner.
- Keep the connection two-way. Ask about their day, their friends, what they miss.
- Save big fights for later. If something serious must be discussed, schedule a calm time.
- Respect OPSEC. Don’t post or ask for details about locations, movements or missions.
- Keep kids connected: recorded bedtime stories, letters, a “countdown” jar.
Taking care of yourself at home
The at-home partner carries a heavy load. Stay connected to friends, family readiness groups and other military spouses. Military OneSource (800-342-9647) offers free counseling and support, 24/7.
In an emergency
For family emergencies, the American Red Cross Hero Care Network can send verified emergency messages to deployed service members. If you or your service member are in crisis, dial 988 and press 1.
Frequently asked questions
Should I tell my spouse about problems at home?
Share honestly, but think about timing and what they can do from afar. Bring up major decisions you need to make together; handle small problems on your own and mention them later.
What if calls get cut off or don’t happen for days?
That’s common and usually means operational limits, not bad news. Agree in advance that silence isn’t a sign something’s wrong, and have a plan for emergencies through the unit or Red Cross.
Sources
- Carter, S., Loew, B., Allen, E., Stanley, S. та ін. (2011). Relationships between soldiers' PTSD symptoms and spousal communication during deployment. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 24(3), 352–355. doi:10.1002/jts.20649
- Dekel, R., & Monson, C. M. (2010). Military-related post-traumatic stress disorder and family relations: Current knowledge and future directions. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 15(4), 303–309. doi:10.1016/j.avb.2010.03.001
Evidence-based · Human-centered · Practical — how we write and fact-check our articles.
This article is for educational purposes and does not replace advice from a licensed professional. We cite original research and update articles when new evidence appears. Spotted an error? Let us know — see our editorial policy.
If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). Veterans: dial 988, then press 1.
